Tuesday, July 31, 2012
I have been taken on a roller coaster ride in the past few days, unlike any other. That is what happens when someone close to you passes away-- you become filled with emotions, like a dam that once held back, is now bursting forth, revealing a lifetime of information, at a torrential rate. As if all these thoughts aren't enough, the comments that others make, or things that you may observe, magnify this state, creating in you an awareness that becomes an overloaded circuit. At best-- an "informational overload". My mind is working "overtime". The what, where's and when of it all, while on the inside, your in often another place, trying to understand and deal with what your feeling-- Beyond sad. Other times, I'm laughing and crying at the same time. As a wise person used to say, "this too will pass" and "nothing lasts forever". It's this last one that I take issue with. Yesterday, I planted some flowers in the wood, next to my bird house. I did this thinking that when I look out of my kitchen window, I will be reminded of Stan and that living continues in all its glory, each thing having its special time frame and purpose. Even though it has its season, usually short, it will come again. Everything takes its rest. My brother is at rest, we haven't seen the last of him. It is helpful to remember some of the comments other's have said. One said that we all have our own special demons within us--some loneliness, sickness and poverty of all sorts. I think he was talking about the unknown sufferings. We saw the many physical ones. My cousin said, "he never caught a break" another said, "I wish I would have had a chance to speak to him, knowing he was afraid, I could have said something." Many diseases are inherited and he had so many of those ailments. Then came another comment "we're down to three." Where did the time go? Another said, "we all must go down the same road." We will all beat up on ourselves for our regrets and shortcomings, I'm sure. Another will recall his last words to him, at a party, that even though he slept much of the time, and carried an oxygen tank with him, he managed to enjoy himself very much, thanking his guest with a kind word. Stan was that kind of person, he always tried to make others happy, even if it was sharing a cup of coffee. I hope in some way, that he found happiness, too. Several days ago I learned something from two people giving their condolences. One said it had been forty years for her--you never forget. The other couldn't look me in the eye without sadness presenting itself, she turned away quickly. Stan, your presence will always be inside of the hearts of those who love you and in the safekeeping hands of the love of Jesus, forever. You are such a big part of us. Love is all you take with you and, at the same time leave behind. Christ gives us all the assurance of eternal life and eternal memory... I heard this song today, and thought of you......The song is by: Elton John, (Sorry, seems to be the hardest word) "What am I gonna do to make you love me... What am I gonna do to make you care... What'll I do when lightening strikes me.... and to wake and find that your not there.... what am I gonna do to be heard.... what'll I say when it's all over.....Sorry seems to be the hardest word"